Life, Universe and Everything

2012-01-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation recently. I've been living in a tiny room for a while now and most of my belongings are in storage. I told this to the person I was talking to. And then I told them I miss my stuff. Not because I'm so materialistic, but because it's mine.
This person asked me why it was so important.
I told them because the things in the boxes defined me to a certain extent.

And then they asked me if I just really loved looking at the stuff.
I told them I did.
And then the person said: "Ah, beautiful. You're in the business of collecting memories."

And hot damn, they were right.
All the things I own represent a different memory or reminder. My Buddha's; the tiny one my sister gave me to bring me luck during my exams in high school; the big one that my dad's girlfriend gave me to bring me luck in the next phases of my life. My duckies, who are really the collection of all the people I know and love. The posters that a couple of friends gave me without me asking for them and they were exactly the ones I wanted. The mugs that I got from a friend just when my last one broke. Movie stubs, train tickets, toys from kinder eggs, post cards, mini light saber, Darth Vader head and notes.

They've mostly come from other people and while a lot of it is stuff you wouldn't normally keep, I hoard it, to remind me of various things.

It takes up a lot of room, but I kinda like the friendly clutter.

The internet and why it's not all bad

2011-11-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

I just read an article called Technoslave.

While it undoubtedly addresses some vital disadvantages about having a 'Liquid Life' (the feeling of working constantly, getting addicted to internet activities, the feeling of having to be reachable every second) is also comes with it's advantages.

I wouldn't have met half of my friends if it weren't for the internet. And people say that if I got out more I would meet the same type of people. But who's to say if that's actually true?

Another advantage is that you can get involved with communities that you otherwise might not have been involved with, because of controversy, a shame factor or anything else. A lot of people can relate to others through the internet, with relative anonymity if they wish it.

Next to that is, it's a great medium for aspiring musicians, writers, comedians and artists. There are plenty of success stories out there.

And the internet is it's own culture. A lot of different types of people come together this way, which I think is great.

Of course it's always the trick to balance your internet habits with real life. I'm not saying, dismiss the real people in your life, because internet is so much more awesome. That's not true. I value my real life friends, a lot. But the internet can enrich your life as well. But as with anything that can be addictive (whether it's food, television, cigarettes, coffee, etc.) know when enough is enough.

"People should be judged on the basis of their performance, not nationality, personality, education, or personal traits and skills."- Marvin Bower

2011-09-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

I'm always looking for ways to best describe myself: happy, carefree, smart, friendly, openminded, etc. etc.
But the thing is, these words, they're not true. Not always. I'm not always happy; I'm most definitely not always carefree; my smarts are often under question; people who meet me on my worst days can't possibly think I'm friendly; I'm have my judgements so I'm not always as openminded as I would like...

The list goes on and on.

So why is there this need to define one self like this? Is to find our identity? To make sure we fit in? Or to give ourselves the description that we most desperately want?

I mean, I admit that I tend to give myself labels like that, even though I know that they're not always true, but it amazes me that I can't think of a reason why one would do that. They're not really characteristics as far as I can tell. Because if I were to describe myself in characteristics I would say: headstrong, emphetic, fierce, pensive. These are always present.

So why these nonsense words to mark yourself? Riddle me this.

"If one devalues rationality, the world tends to fall apart." - Lars von Trier

2011-08-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

As my friends know, I have a tendency to be extremely rational. I try to be, because I don't like strong emotions. They muck everything up, making the picture all blurry.
When I am rational, however, I can see the truth of things. I can calm myself down. I can make sense of what's going on (at least more so than when I'm all hormonal and soppy)

Lately I've been having some strong emotions about something. And I'm totally freaked out. This has never happened before. And I don't know how to handle myself.

Rational!Me is reigning me in.

Emotional!Me is telling me to do all kinds of craziness.

It feels like I'm caught in the middle in some kind of strange tug-a-war. One moment I'm all like, 'screw it! I'm just gonna live myself!' and on the other hand I'm going, 'fuuuuuck *crazy*'
It's really tiring. But! For the moment I'm listening to rational self. If only because it keeps my slightly sane.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese Proverb

2011-07-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

I've given up on the journal challenges for the moment, because life gets in the way. I will be starting them again in September.

Someone once asked me why I have such fascination for post-apocalyptic worlds as depicted in movies, books and comics. Although a lot of those works involve a lot of gore, I'm not in it for the blood and the guts.

I've been thinking about this and I came to the conclusion that I'm in love with human resilience as depicted in aforementioned post-apocalypticness.

If I may quote the 10th Doctor:

"Oh, might have spent a million years evolving into clouds of gas... and another million as downloads, but you always revert to the same basic shape: the fundamental human. End of the universe and here you are. Indomitable, that's the word! Indomitable! Ha!"

I know that these things that I read and see are only fictional, but that doesn't mean there isn't truth in it. Look at history. As a species we've overcome millions of things to get to the point we are now. We're still growing and evolving. And, more importantly, we're still here.

I won't deny that I have a strong misanthropic streak. We're also a terrible species: the way we hurt and fight each other. And how we develop technologies that could very well destroy us all.

But that resilience that we have, it's something beautiful and something to be proud of. It's the one thing that makes me happy to be human. That and opposable thumbs.

Journal Challenge 73: "Are we human, or are we dancer?" - The Killers

2011-06-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

73. If you could tell the world one thing, what would you say?

This is a hard question and a tough one to answer. I mean, with the world I am assuming that I’m on television and every single person is watching me.

I’d probably say something like: ‘Be excellent to each other’ or remind everyone that we’re all just human. That we all make mistakes, even the ones who supposedly can’t make any. I’d say that we need to look at are ourselves. If we’re happy we have to try and act that way towards others as well. We’re all different and that’s okay. We’re all the same and that’s also okay. We all have feelings and a sense of pride. In other countries it’s expressed differently, but who cares you know? Just be excellent. Be the best you can be. Be present. Listen to everything. You can’t like everyone, but you can at least try.

Those are the things I want to say. The things everyone with common sense seems to have on his or her mind. They are the things that seem the most important and that is the reason why I want to emphasize them.

But then again humans are too pigheaded to listen to inspiration. They’d rather kill each other. So why not use this great opportunity to tell the world that rice and crème fraîche is a brilliant invention. The person, who thought of that, deserves a noble price.

I think that’s what I would say.

2011-05-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have these moments where I feel disconnected from reality. Like I'm not in touch with my friends, the news or even myself.

It's like looking in the mirror and seeing something completely than what I expected.

These are the moments I live for. They're the moments where I open my eyes and actually peer out into the world, instead of glancing at it.
The moments where you look at of your window in wonder, because your street doesn't look quite like you remembered. And you look around and see that your room is not how you always see it. You talk and then listen and realise you can hear your own voice, out loud, not just in your head.

I think these are the moments when we are relieved from own massive blind spot. The veil is lifted for a little while so you can get perspective. You see things a little clearer, hear things a little better and taste things a little fuller. Your mind is unclouded in such moments. It takes in the beauty, the pain, the love, the hate, the estrangement and everything else. It revels in it.

And then the moment passes. It might take a few days, but the mist always comes back. We go back to our lives and see only the things we want to see.

We should treasure the moments in which everything seems new. They're the moments that make human, help us remember the things we need to do and remember. And after all, who wants to live in a world made solely of clouds?

Journal Challenge 22: "It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."- Aristotle Onnasis

2011-05-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

22. Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds.

There is no specific time in can describe, because the answer is always.

I have this strange, inane quality of working myself in a jam. I might have a few days or even a week of quiet before the next crisis begins.

I don’t know how I do it, but I think the longest I haven’t been in trouble is about a month.

And the odds are always against me. Either because of stupidity or because of natural causes, but it never looks really good. What people always forget, though, is that no matter how bad things get most of us always bounce back. I’m like that. Hell, I’m so good at it I could be a bouncy ball.

Everyone has this ability if they just go with the flow. That’s why I find suicides so pointless. I mean, it’s their prerogative to take their own lives of course. But I always get the feeling that if they just take a breather, go away for a few days, their situation would look less hopeless. They get so worked up into hysteria they can’t get out of it.

But maybe that’s me being a little short sighted, only knowing a few situations of would-be suicide myself.

To bounce back you don’t even have to believe that you will:

“As I held Dolores's hand I realised the words I wasn't sure of, or believed, that comfort was enough. Maybe it was enough to tell Delores things were going to be okay. Because even if they weren't, they would be…. some day.” (Ellen Muth- Dead Like Me)

The universe has a way of balancing everything out. You have to endure the crap, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away it might seem.

Journal challenge 59: “For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.”- Stuart Chase

2011-05-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

On time! Haha!

WARNING: Before you read this, if you are a Christian, do not take offence. I might not share your views, but I didn't mean to ridicule. He's just the easiest example to work with.

59. Does Never Never Land really exist?

I found this one of the most interesting questions, because it forces me to look at this world and really truly see what is there.

So to answer the question in short: yes, it does really exist.

Why? Because I believe it does.

As much as we don't like to acknowledge it, our beliefs hold a great, maybe the greatest, power over us. And not just over your average religious types. No, everyone is entranced by beliefs. And that's good. It helps you keep perspective and hope, however you wish to look at it.

But what some forget is who puts the power in the belief and that's us, humans. I think, that if you believe something so thoroughly it will turn into a self for filling prophecy or just plain and simple who come into existence.

How does that work?

The prophecy is self explanatory. Think you suck, everyone will think it, because they see someone who sucks.

The existence bit is a little harder to explain, because it totally depends on how you define existence. I define it as an entity that can influence us in some way or another.

Let's take the easiest example here: God.

God exists. He is the Never Never Land for grown ups. He is the symbol of hope, justification, righteousness, wrath, forgiveness and banishment. He is all this, because everyone believes something else.
He created the universe, he judges over who's right and who;s wrong, he will banish the anti-christs and forgive everyone for their sins. He does this, because we, the humans, created him with the power of our imagination. And we went even further, we actually build a system around that imagination. We made rules and agreements so our views on this deity aren't too far apart. And because of all this, God, this figment of brainwaves, holds great power over us. He makes us do things, which makes him real.

Of course, I'm not saying beliefs are immortal. They die when people take out the power. Either because it's been proven wrong, forgotten or a million other things. So in a way, God is dying, so is Never Never Land, (potential) revolutions wither daily this way.

But it isn't sad. Because like us, they need to go to make way for new ideas, tenets and postulates.

“Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.” - Bernice Johnson Reagon

2011-05-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

So, to get the ball rolling again I've decided to wager against myself. I found this list through stumbleupon. It has 80 topics on it to write about and in the coming 80 weeks (so a little over a year I suppose) I will handle an item from this list. If you feel so inclined to, you may pick a number between 1 and 80 and I will write about it. The list will be updated to show which ones I've already done. I will update Sundays and the pieces are going to be +200 words. If anyone notices I'm skimping out, come up with a challenge and I will do that together with the set piece for that Sunday.

I'm looking forward to it ^^

Journal challenge: 12. "I think that travel comes from some deep urge to see the world, like the urge that brings up a worm in an Irish bog to see the moon when it is full." - Lord Dunsany

2011-05-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

This is starting out great. My first official post and I'm already late. Well done.

I do have to say that my weekend was a bit crazy with volunteerwork and my mother's birthday. But we all know the rules, so let me know my punishment. If you don't think of something, I will. And it will be easy.

However, to stop dilly dallying, lets commence.

12.What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?

I had to think long and hard on this one. With these kinds of things I'm rather open and just tell them anyway...

But then I came up with one thing. When we were kids, we all played games with other kids. Whether it was re-enacting Dragon Ball Z, pretending you're a horse or playing hide and go seek.

I, too played games with other kids. But when I had to play outside I also played alone a lot. And when I was alone I always pretended that I was leaving to go travel around the world. So off I went on my little bike, with my backpack filled with cookies, a juicebox and a book. And in my mind I cycled all over the world: China, Japan, Mexico, America, the Northpole, Jerusalem, Babylon (my 9 year old brain was very impressed with the idea of hanging gardens and really wanted to see them. Little did she know that they didn't exist any more if at all) Luckily for me I lived in a fairly quiet neighbourhood with a lot of different views in range (a park, a tiny hill, a dyke, a sandy playground) and I could go somewhere new everyday.

But this idea of leaving, of seeing everything, has been growing since I was 4 or 5. The tiny girl sitting in her room letting her stuffed animals travel everywhere, as well as her lego. And a couple of years later I got travel books and magazines. I looked at pictures and read about the places. I started making lists of where I wanted to go. And often I pretended I was there already.
And the want to travel is still eminent. I'm not a person who was made to stay in the same place for extended periods of time.
And while that is something a lot of people know, nobody knew that my childhood was filled with the need and want to leave for different scenes.

"I'm just trying to be honest about being a misanthrope" - Dazed and Confused

2011-03-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

It has been an eventful start of the year. Most things that happened I can't even wrap my head around. Makes me feel very overwhelmed.

But but but! The sun is out and that sparks my creativity like mad. It's insane how many pages I write in a day. Notes, scenes, charactersheets, sentences, potential ideas, entire chapters. You name it, I'll spawn it on a screen for you. Right now I'm working on 3 things. One has the working title of the Squad, but since it's sooo not where it needs to be, I'll leave it at that.
The second one is a fanfiction, which I am sort of embarrassed off. I've been stuck on it for a while so I'm trying out a few plots.

Number three is more interesting. For a while now I've had this idea in my head to do a story about a road trip (see previous entry) I started it and believe you me, it has a life of it's own. It started out with 3 characters. 3 more have randomly entered the scene. First as minor roles, to be discarded along the way, but as it turns out they have their own stories to tell about themselves and their past. It's quite creepy how that happens.

Then are the plot twists as there always are. There a pandemic going around, very deadly and very infectious. I've played around with zombies, but it's too cliché and I'm no good at writing satire. So I'm just writing a story of 6 people trying to survive in a dying society. So far they're all alive and healthy-ish. Can't promise that won't change. Also, it's not a metaphor or anything. It's just a tale of friendship and loss. They all deal with it in very different and to me surprising ways.

The idea of a pandemic probably creeped into my head after a conversation with a good friend of mine. We both thought that the civilisation we live in now has to end some way. And we discussed the mostly likely possibilities.

My guess is some big ass huge war that leaves the entire world crippled then to be exterminated by some strong virus that mutates really fast. And the survivors build up new worlds. Kind of like the Tribe, but more realistic. And think we're due for that. As a group we're growing too much, taking up too much space, too many resources. Mother Nature will slam back and she will do it hard.

I can't say I'm an environmentalist or anything. I have to eat stuff from jars and can't buy organic food. Because it's expensive and I'm poor. But I don't drive, I rarely ever go on airplanes and I barely eat meat. I think that should count for something.

"Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living." - Miriam Beard

2011-01-16T08:40:00.001-08:00

Road trips are a common theme that I like to play with. Many of my stories involve them. Most of you don't know this, but I usually find them too terrible to even consider posting them on one of the many profiles I posess.

But I am a fan of road trips; on paper as well as in real life. Although i've only experienced them a handful of times (and one of them doesn't technically count, because we sailed around on a yacht) I am in love with the experience. Just driving around and if you see something interesting go there. Most of my road trips involved only one or two fixed points where we had to go and a general sense of direction to head off to. The in between destinations were usually based on how awesome it seemed.

And I like writing about road trips, because there are quite a few options to spin the tales in; a coming of age story, an adventure story, romance, horror, thriller, detective, or all of the above.

My dream? A van, a map of europe, 3-4 of my friends, music, junkfood and 2 months of summer vacation. Of course I've romanticised it in my head, so I can only be dissapointed. But who cares? It's an experience and an enrichment of your life, no matter how good or bad it is. Beat that, suckahs!

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Rant: Kissing Jessica Stein

2010-12-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

Alright, so, something new and different. NO MOPING!

Yes, you got it right.

I just watched Kissing Jessica Stein. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, a short synopsis:
This film is about two women... guess who's one of them... Jessica Stein! Right. Jessica, or Jess, is a very conservative Jewish woman, who basically rejects every new thing in life (from yoga to a part in a play when she was in the fifth grade), because she is very picky and scared to try out new things. She works at a paper where she has a difficult relationship with her boss Josh.
In comes Helen. She is a woman who enjoys life. She works at an art gallery, likes to go out and most of all likes to have sex with men. She is the opposite of Jessica in every way. One day she decides that she wants to try out having a relationship with a woman so she places a contact at with some high class quote to rule out the 'unwashed'.
Jessica sees this add and decides to respond, but on the night of the date wants out. Helen sees her and goes after her. After a rocky start they seem to hit it off and start dating, with all the ups and downs that come with it (sex, coming out, doubts, Jessica's neuroses)

It is a great film. I enjoyed every moment of it. And because I thought it was so great, I started to look on IMDB for some interesting topics on this flick. It turns out a lot of people hated the ending.

I will say now: SPOILER ALERT! in case you still want to see it.

After a great few months the relationship of Helen and Jessica basically went out, because Helen felt they were more friends than lovers. Jessica disagreed. But in the end they still broke up. And even though they ceased being lovers they were still very good friends.
And then there is Josh. Jess and him used to date in college, but they broke up because he didn't live up to her standards. On the night of her coming out he did proclaim his love for her. She couldn't return the feelings, because she was with Helen at the time.
After her break up she runs into him and they get to talking, finally exchanging phone numbers and email adresses.

What struck me as odd, was that everyone in the topic said: 'THEY'RE GETTING BACK TOGETHER!' And how it was all horrible. I thought it was very short sighted.
Of course there had been hints of mutual attraction, but Jess was also really attracted to Helen. You don't go through all that trouble because you may be gay. You go through the trouble of coming out because you want your lover to be acknowledged as your lover and not as your friend.

Whether Jess is straigh, gay or bi doesn't really matter in this story, in my honest opinion. What I saw was someone struggling with herself, with who she was and her reluctance to try new things. And the relationship that followed, that she so desperately needed, happened to be with a woman. Gender doesn't play a role in that.

At the end of the movie Jess states that she was 'not gay enough' for Helen. Most people viewed that as admitting she was actually straight. She doesn't say that at all. It just means that her libido was way lower than Helen's and thus she couldn't satisfy her. What Jessica wanted from that relationship was emotional closeness, being together, being intimate, without sex, because she didn't really need it or crave it like Helen did.
It doesn't mean she's straight or gay or bicurious or asexual. It just means that Helen and her weren't right together.

That's what I saw and that's my opinion. I just really needed to rant about that :)

"We find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve." - Maxwell Maltz

2010-11-29T13:54:00.000-08:00

My birthday party has come and gone. It was awesome. A ton of people came, almost all my close friends were there except for my partner in crime who was unable to come :(. Lotsa booze, smoking, music and general merriment. It rawked.

It also means that I am now officially 21 years old and it time to start up the goal thing again. I didn't finish my goal for last year, but I'm really close so we're just going to keep on keeping on.

This year I want to set my self 10 goals. Here's a list and we'll see how far we get:

1. Decide on a course (mendatory)
2. Become more active (as opposed to laying in bed watching movies and television series)
3. Try to be more open and less socially awkward
4. Watch Harry Potter 7.2 with Anouk at midnight
5. Expand my horizons (as in food and culture)
6. Bond with someone from a different culture
7. Become more trusting to the people who deserve it
8. Buy a ring for Noodle
9. Keep a diary of all the important events
10. Be my own person

I don't know how far I'll get, but it's nice to see where I think I should be going. Gives me a nice overview.

That's all for today!

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." - Douglas Adams

2010-11-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

Do you feel like the life you're leading is not your own? Like you crawled into someone else's skin and took on their problems and worries?

I feel like that. Not always, but some times. When I get the chance to oversee what I'm doing with my life, that's usually the moment I realise that I don't belong there.

It's not that I lead a horrible life. I have amazing friends, lovely room mates (most of the time) and I work at a bakery. But is that really how I want my life to pan out? And then I start to think: what do I want to do?
And then I draw a blank.

So I just keep living in the world that's not my own, because I have nowhere else to go.

"Personally I think birthdays and anniversaries are like menstrual cramps, a regular pain in the ass that's somehow connected to birth." - Hugh Elliot

2010-11-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

There was a time where I used to be thrilled when it was my birthday. It was the reason I had a calender since I was 5. So I could count down the days until I was one year older, one step closer to measuring up with siblings. A birthday signified a clean slate. All mistakes I had made dissapeared, were wiped away.

In 1 hour en 23 minutes I'm turning 21. The anticipation of my birthday is gone. I'm already an adult (or probably as adult as I'll ever be) I live on my own, I make my own decisions. I decide when I go out and when I stay in. Whether or not I want to drink during the week. Whether or not I eat meat or go on holidays.

The turning of a year has lost it's specialness. Sure, it's a reason for a party and gifts and booze. And cake! (I love cake, omnomnom) But as I get older the mistakes that count get worse and they keep piling up, to remain with you until you're demented.
It's not just failing a test or forgetting to hand in the contribution slip or getting detention. It becomes quitting your education, stupid fights with people with grave consequences, not making the right decision, regretting your decisions.

A birthday changes when you get older. For me it's not yet the day that signifies lost opportunities. I'm too young for that. For me, it's a day like any other. Tomorrow, I will go into work, go home, do dishes or cook, watch a program and go to bed. Maybe I will throw a beer and cake into the mix. But that's it. That is what will change.

It's a shame. Maybe I'll refind my love for birthdays some day, but not this year. This year was crappy and it will end crappy. I'll see what happens when I celebrate it properly. Maybe I'll finally have a good start

Lock down between two evils

2010-10-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

All alone in a world full of people

No connection

No communication

Only a wall and an imaginary friend to talk to '

I can hear them talking

And laughing and crying

But they're too vague to touch

Too far to reach

I zone in and out

My head is pulling me in

Stimuli are drawing me out

I cannot chose

On the border of reality and fantasy

Each way is a plunge

That I'm not willing to take

But I'm so tired of the balance beam

The choice is mine

Painful truths or peaceful lies?

There is no lesser of two evils

"Memories can be sad, but sometimes they can also save you." - Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

2010-10-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I made a post about things changing. It made me think about the things that I need to remember: lessons, people, events.

Those of you who know me personally know I wear a necklace around my neck that has a pendant and three rings hanging from it.

A lot of people ask me why I don't wear the rings on my fingers. Or whether I follow some sort of heathen religion. I'm not religious and 2 of these rings don't actually fit me. That's the standard answer.

But these objects are actually tokens that I need to wear close to my heart, because I must not forget. They're from people or times that mean a lot to me. Each of them has their own reason.

For my family, who are not always horrible people.

For my mother

For one of my closets friends. For trust and love.

For the fact that I can change people's lives with the smallest of gestures.

Each of these items have longer stories, but these are the reasons I always carry them with me, even if I'm not wearing the necklace.

"This isn't good or bad. It's just the way of things. Nothing stays the same." - Real Life Preacher

2010-10-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

Oh how the world changes.

I would say I love it, but it's scary as fuck. Especially since I'm so unpredictable that even I don't know what I'll do next. Must be really annoying for the people around me. Poor people.

"Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves." - Carl Sagan

2010-09-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling I'm bad at being alone, much to my dismay.

I don't mean I can't entertain myself. I think that in my life I always need company in the way of a relationship. My friends are great, but the whole intimacy you build up romantically is very nice.

I notice it now. Apparently I look confident enough to attract people. It's fun. I like being dating girl. But especially since the one guy (see previous post) I'm very aware how easily I develop crushes. And it's freaking me out.

I pride myself in having a good balance between my emotional head space and rational head space. But lately the scales are off. My emotions are running away with me and my ratio is left to pick up the pieces and mend them.

I don't like developing crushes. I don't like being in like with someone. Humans hurt you so easily and I've had enough damage for a life time. And that's why I don't like that I don't like not being in a relationship (you may scream at that horrible sentence and hit me with a hammer)

My rationality wins it from my emotional side though. I'm cautious of who I date and who I like. The wall is up as soon as I unjustly start doubt myself. The downside is that I finally started opening up faster to other people. And I can't do that anymore, because then I attach myself to these people. And there's none of that.

So I'll stay single and a little unsatisfied. But there's something to say for that as well.

"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter."- William Ralph Inge

2010-09-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to realise when something's finished. Second chances come along, but you have to use them wisely.

This person didn't, unfortunately. So this is my good bye. My letting go.

Because I can't try forever. I actually gave him a third chance, but he didn't take it. He'll probably get in touch with me ways later. But there is no coming back. I'm done. He didn't want my friendship and now I don't want his either.

I hate to be put in this position, but sometimes it happens. It sucks, but it's life.

So yah.

Bye, mysterious stranger. I'm sorry I never got to know you.

"I don't confuse greatness with perfection. To be great anyhow is…the higher achievement."- Lois McMaster Bujold

2010-09-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

I don’t ask for perfection from anyone. I am not interested in it. Why would anyone want perfection if the alternative offers so much more opportunity?
I am not perfect and I’m very glad about it. Life is not perfect. It’s a fucking shithole and the only thing we do is survive.

But looking back on my own trials and tribulations I always feel satisfied. I’ve made it this far, despite making mistakes. I have a good group of friends, I have a job and a roof over my head. I’m satisfied for now.

The skill of survival is something that shapes people. If you’re perfect, how the hell do you get shaped into your own person. What would you know about empathy and good kickings? Nothing.

Our scars, our battles, our rises and falls make us into different people. They makes us unique and internally bounded at the same time. All us survivors are in it together and that gives us the capability to be close to each other, to relate, to be open.

It must be lonely at the top of perfection.

"I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns" - Winston Churchill

2010-08-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

I was a little bored and I came across this test. The outcome was very neat ^^

Your rainbow is intensely shaded red, green, and orange.

What is says about you: You are an intelligent person. You appreciate energetic people. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you. Others are amazed at how you don't give up.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

"We're kings among runaways"- Decemberists

2010-07-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

The quote from above is from this song: 'On the Bus Mall' by the Decemberists. I've heard it for the first time quite recently and it has soon grown to be one of my favourites. It tells the story of two boys running away from home and later working as prostitutes on the streets.

It has a few meaningful lyrics to me and also an awesome Handmaids Tale reference (a book by Margaret Atwood, which happens to be one of my favourites).

Your parents were anxious,
Your cool was contagious
At the old school.
You left without leaving

The person the main character ran off with seemed like the epitome of cool. The you left without leaving in this part is my favourite. It's what I want. To be present somewhere, without actually to be present. My legacy being so vivid that it seems like I'm still there. It might seem arrogant, but you can't deny that you've thought about it too.

We bit our tongues.
Sucked our lips into our lungs
'til we were falling.
Such was our calling.

This bit really speaks to me, because to me it says you do what you have to do to make it somewhere. It's something everyone has to do in their lifes. Some may not experience it this way, but there are many among us that are very familiar with this feeling. And I love that it's actually part of the story told, but at the same time it's universal.

And we never let the bastards get us down.

This is the Atwood reference. In the book Handmaid's Tale, the main character finds something carved in a cupboard Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, which roughly translates to 'never let the bastards grind you down/ get you down.'

You can find the lyrics here. Thank you for your time :P

"It’s the friends you can call up at 4 A.M. that matter" - Marlene Dietrich

2010-07-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes times are not happy even when the sun shines. This is one of those times. Right now I view my world as an abyss and I'm standing on a ridge next to it. I don't know what there, because there's too much mist. I don't know how to save my self from this prickly situation. And I'm stuck, because I only have my little piece of rock that prevents me from falling into that enormous black hole.
I'm lost, floating at sea with no island in sight. I'm stuck in a cubicle with no way getting out.

There are endless analogies of how I feel at the moment. And every single one of them fits. I'm inventive enough to create an out. I'm strong enough to survive anything. I know myself and I know myself well, due to actively living with me. But right now, I'm bordering on hopeless. I want to fall into the abyss, I want to drown at sea and I want to lie on the floor of my cube and fall asleep until everything resolves it self. Not very pro-active.

Luckily for me I am blessed with amazing friends. The guardian angels that sit on my shoulders and coach me through every situation. The kind that comes to my aid in the middle of the night, tiding over 11 kilometers just so they can cuddle me to sleep and make sure I'm not lonely. They're the anchors that keep me grounded, they're the forces that keep me pushing.

I never thought I would have friends that would go above and beyond to help me. The surly teenager that I was 7 years ago and still lived in a tiny corner of my mind, has finally been put to rest. She's done her part in protecting me. Now I have them.

Prose, because I can

2010-07-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

Prose, who doesn't love it?

What am I? Where am I going? Am I lost? Am I found? What do I want? Can anybody help me? Am I all alone?

I scream and scream, but there is no answer, just the hollow. As I walk I only see the trees passing, the pebbles on the path and the stars in the sky.

Is this what it’s like to be the only one? Where am I anyway?

Bewilderment creeps upon me. Something is following me, but I can’t hear or see it. Right at this moment my intuition is my only friend. Over time it has proven to be not a very trustworthy one.

The hairs in my neck rise and shivers are thundering down my spine. I start to shake, but when I look around nothing’s there. I walk on.

I go on, but the feeling doesn’t go away. Every sound, every movement puts me on edge. But then I feel it’s very close. I turn and look directly into the eyes of the beast. Fuck.

"Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee." - Thomas Fuller

2010-06-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Due to an incident that has occurred quite recently I've been thinking: "Is there such a thing as complete trust? And if there is, how do you shield yourself from the hurt when someone shames it?"

I'll be honest with you. I'm the type of person who doesn't trust anyone fully. I am very private and if you're in, you're all in. The people around in me all notice in due time that I do not take this lightly. If you're in my inner circle and you defy my trust in a way that I think unforgivable, you'll probably never earn it again. It's also a reason why I never trust anyone completely. The closer you are, the more able you are to hurt me. But my reasoning is that if no one ever gets to my centre, I still have that and I'll know that no one can touch it or hurt it.
In my opinion there is no way to shield yourself from the hurt. It's something you have to either be immune for (but then I guess your shell is extremely hard, to the point of unapproachable) or you have to carry this with you. A lesson for the future.

I was wondering what your opinion is on the matter :)

"All of us food that hasn't died..."

2010-05-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

I love songs that are beautiful and creepy at the same time.

It just gives me a weird sense of pleasure ^^

"A man is infinitely more complicated than his thoughts"- Paul Valery

2010-05-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Many people tell me that I'm an insanely complicated person.

I wish I could say: 'Am not!', but unfortunately this is my horrid truth. In fact I'm so complicated that I confuse myself on a daily basis. Even though hindsight is 20/20, I usually cannot even explain my actions months after the fact.

This can be very annoying, but I also quite like it. It gives me an air of mystery and it makes me feel secure. I think that's because there are so many factors that I don't even know are there. So when I do something wrong, I can always say, but blahblah so and so, to make it less wrong.

It's a kind of survival mode, I'm guessing. Because the fear of failure lies deep in my persona.If I happen to fail (and that's not uncommon) I can always blame it on my complicated self to make it less bad.

I don't think I'm alone in this, but I think I'm one of the few to run around, saying: 'Yay, I'm complicated!'
It is a curse... but mostly a blessing.

We are our own blind spots. Which is good, otherwise we would see how horrible we actually are.

"We can't win against obsession." - Douglas Adams

2010-05-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

Hm... sometimes I feel like I've been touched by the obsession fairy. And it's annoying! >:(

When I meet someone interesting I want to know everything about them. I search for them on the internet and check everything: what they like, what they hate, what they do for fun, where they hang out, what they think about.

It's insane. I mean it's borderline stalking. I'm very lucky I can control myself so I don't lie in their bushes all night to find out their daily schedule. If I'd been any more crazy I probably would have done that.

So why am I writing this? Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with weird quirks like this. So I was wondering what your quirks are. You don't have to tell me everything in detail, but a short description would be fun ^^

Up in the Apple Tree

2010-05-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

I found this a while back and I felt like sharing it with you. No copy right infringement intended. The author is Edward van de Vendel and the artist is Floor de Goede. It can be found in the poetry book 'Opa Laat Zijn Tenen Zien' (Grandpa shows his toes)

English translation:

UP IN THE APPLE TREE

I'm sitting up in the apple tree

With blossoms all around me

I climbed in here.

I' feel so ashamed. I'm all alone

Because I dared to ask.

Finally. Ask you. Ask you.

I tapped you on the back.

And I asked if you wanted to go steady with me

But I got terrified

Because you said: yes

And I ran blushing

To this place

And now I wonder

How that goes- with blossoms

Do you know, sweetie?

How?

Excuse my awful translating skills. I cannot do this justice. But I hope I helped bring the sentiment across.

"Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves" - Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey

2010-04-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

Don't you sometimes wish that the moment you're in now will last forever?

These wishes are typical summer wishes for me. And I made my first one today. So summer must be around the corner.

I was sitting with a friend in her garden, enjoying the night air, drinking tea, smoking and talking about stuff. I enjoyed myself so much at that moment, that I hoped it could last forever.

But unfortunately, moments are just moments. Pieces of time that will never return, unless you have a time machine.

Sucky time.

"Dance is the hidden language of the soul" - Martha Graham

2010-03-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

I love dancing. I've always loved dancing, since I was little.

Most of you know I'm not so hot on my feet, so when I dance it usually looks pretty dorky. But who cares that you look like an idiot when you're doing something you love?
The thing I love about it most, is the trance-like state you reach: when you close your eyes and let the music take you away. It's the closest I've probably ever come to sleepwalking.
I've told you last year that my friend sort of forced me to get into balfolk, which are dances based on old folk dances. Before I started I was terrified of the idea. Me? Dancing in public? No way, José. But now, a year later, I've really started to love it. And I'm getting quite good at it too. I've started to take lessons and workshops and I go to dances pretty often. And with every dance I start to like it more and more.

Especially the slower dances like the mazurka (which is a romantic couple dance) and the andro (pretty easy, you dance in a line) are the ones I love. Because you can just close your eyes and let your partner take you somewhere magical where all that exists are you two and the music. You don't hear the rumor from the other people and you certainly don't detect their movements. When you're dancing all that exists is that bit of floor you're dancing on. And I think it's the most beautiful feelings I know.

Misery loves company...Especially mine

2010-03-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm on one of my bouts again. The one where I'm wondering where I'm going with my life and what do I want for myself in the future.
The most sickening thing about it, is that I always feel so down because of them. So down I almost feel sick.

I mean, what's wrong with me? I have a wonderful life: I have amazing friends, a loving mother, I'm doing something I love and that I'm reasonably okay at. So where does this feeling of inadequacy come from? Why am I feeling this way when I have absolutely no reason to.

Is this power of self destruction? Like every time you're happy, the big red button gets pushed somehow and everything goes to hell. Can someone explain this inane desire?

Yes, I know life is hard, but isn't it supposed to made hard by external forces? Not by your own brain. Man, I hate my brain.

"Now comes the mystery" - Henry Ward Beecher

2010-03-12T05:42:00.000-08:00

Today I was watching a video on youtube, by the vlogger Nerimon: linkie. He was reading out confessions that people had send to hem, per his request. I thought this was very interesting. But since this video is very old I will make my confession on my blog.

My confession is that I have quite a morbid obsession. The subject I think, write and draw about most is death. Just to comfort you, I do not want to stop living. I have a lot going for me: nice friends, lovely mother, an awesome course and happiness.

But I do want to know what it's like. I want to know what happens after. I want to know how it is to die in different ways. Is the feeling the same when you get run over by a car or get hit by a bullet? What does the way you die tell you about how you've lived? Is there such a thing as heaven or hell? Is there just blackness? Or reincarnation? How do people handle death post mortem?

These questions intrigue me. I love to watch movies about death, read stories about people dying, listen to songs of the same theme. It's also a big reason why religions interest me so much. They are all asking the same question: what happens when we die?

I have no answer. And I will never have an answer until I actually go. Unfortunately I do not get to share my experiences with others. All I can do is share with myself. And although it's less fun, it is an experience I do not want to miss.

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.

2009-06-11T05:50:00.001-07:00

Today I read an interview with 4 Christian adolescents. To be honest I couldn't even finish it.

It's not that I hate Christians, but the way they talk about their religion, with such faith, it makes my skin crawl. How can someone believe so steadily in something that maybe doesn't even exist? And why do they think it's the one, true religion?

Of course, there is something in the Bible for anyone. It has good morals and values. But what the people who follow it seem to forget is that there are other ways of living a good life. Hindu's, Buddhists and Wiccans also make their life more valuable, but in different ways. But for some reason they are heathens, because they don't believe in the 'One True God'.

Even non-believers can live a good life. I am a non-believer, more specifically an agnost and I try to have a good influence on my environment and the people in it. But for some reason I am a bad person, because besides it, I don't believe that there is a god in the way the Christians (and other monotheistic religions for that matter) do.

Why is this?

There are exceptions of course, but they don't get their stories printed in the news paper. The people who do want to 'spread their faith' regardless of others. It makes me feel a little sick.

So here are my questions to you:
Do you think I'm a heathen?
Is Christianty the best religion on this planet?
What do you think of Christianity and Christians in general?

'Do Not Push'

2009-05-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I wrote an emo poem, about something I've been thinking about for a while now. I deleted the poem because it made no sense to me. Not that poems have to make sense, but this one was too ridiculous. Even to me.

Any way, I did like the last verse, which I'll post here and then I'm going to pour out my thoughts about it. (Because that's what bloggers do :P)

I turn a corner
There it is
Big, red, ever present
'Do not push'

Self destruction
5
4
3
2
1

So, what I've been thinking about is that every single person on this planet has a tendency to self destruction. Even the happiest person has. We always have to disrupt our life every few moments. For some this is years (the oh-so-famous mid life crisis) others self destruct every few months.
And it comes in many forms. In my life, it usually happens when I do something stupid or when I am scared (The former one always comes with the latter one)
Why do we do things we know are bound to go wrong? Is it the thrill? The shininess of the button? Just for the sake of learning? Or are we just that stupid?

I wonder about these things, but for every answer there are arguments for and against. What do you think?

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more

2009-04-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

The night is underrated. My parents always tell me, go to bed on time! Bla bla, you'll gain more weight if you go to bed after midnight.

I don't have the heart tell them that 1. I don't like to waste my time at night and 2. the second argument is utter BS.
Because, apparently my nightrhythem is set from somewhere 12:00 PM till 2:00-3:00 AM. So weight stuff is silly.

I love the night though. The world seems so much more quiet and clean. I wouldn't mind living at night, but unfortunately school has decided otherwise.
The holidays are mine though. I don't have any real obligations so I can be as weird as I want in my schedule. And I love that.

During summer, most of my life plays at night. I read, I write, I talk and I think without any worries of what I have to do the next day.
Because my days usually equal worries, pace and chaos, while my nights equal calm, quietness and order.
Not that I am in favour of order, but the chaos at night always seems more doable than the chaos by day. Sunshine distorts the chaos. Or maybe the night light distorts it. I will probably never know.

But night time always helps me to get my life in perspective. Nothing ever seems quite as bad and everything is doable. Maybe darkness provides a protective layer for your emotions. Less people and tasks to deal with, more time to gather your thoughts. That sort of thing.

I don't know. The things that seemed to worry me a couple of days ago, seem very trivial right now. I don't care anymore.
I do care about my friend, but I have hope that he will figure out how to be young and careless again.
I don't care about what happened on tuesday. She's just a bitch and we don't like each other. I know that there are loads of people who do like me and I am grateful for that. I don't want to be friend with an extreme judgementalist anyway.

If anyone understands this rambling, yay! You get a diploma in Sassology :D

Just a lackey

2009-04-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

Hello boys and girls!

Another post by me, and it's going to be a quicky. Just some things I thought of yesterday while at work :)

First of all I noticed that when I'm tired I make the most random observations.

Anyways, I work as a check out girl in a supermarket, which is not very exciting but I get paid and I get to look at people, so for a writer and a poor person that's good I guess. Yesterday, I had to work from 10 in the morning till 4 in the afternoon. I noticed that people are way more polite and friendly before 11.
Then it's all 'good morning!', 'lovely weather ey?' and that sort of thing. I think it's probably because then they haven't seen enough people to get annoyed by them.
Because people are annoying (which was my second random observation). When you have enough change to give them, they either give the exact amount or they pay with their PINcards (for Americans, like a credit card only then it's directly withdrawn from your bankaccount) and whne you barely have change left then all of a sudden they come up to you with 50 euro bills for amounts under 20 euro's. Like they can sense it or something.

And also, customers seem to be able to sense when you're very tired. Normally when something's wrong (like a product is out date or they thought the price of a product was different) they go to complain to my superior. But when you're tired and something's wrong they decide to take it out on you. And people who know me, know I get very cranky when I'm tired. So the woman who dared to do it, got her head bitten off.
Because she made a mistake about some juice product thing and thought it was a euro when it was actually 1,50. So I was very polite, 'Sorry ma'am. I'll remove them from your receipt' and then when I was done she started bitching: 'You trick people and you are dishonest and it's all bad blah blah blah.' And she wouldn't stop.
That pissed me off. So I went (very politely) 'Ma'am, I didn't trick anyone. I just work here. I don't put prices on the products or make the folders or even stack them. I just sit here, check out your products and take your money. I am just a minion. I have no power over anything. If you want to complain, go to my superior.' and then she started bitching again. So I just handed her her change and receipt and I was like ' [ice] Good bye[/ice]'
And then she went like 'blah blah blah. If this keeps happening, I will never come here again!'
Me: 'Good, I won't miss you at all.'
And then she got all mad and stomped out of the store. The people who were waiting in queu really liked the performance and they were all like, 'good for you! You can't help it. She's a bitch.'
And then all of a sudden they were all polite. Yay, for mean Saskia, sometimes.

I felt bad about later. Because if she never returns we lose a customer. But then again, she could've acted a little nicer to me. It's not like I can help it. I'm just a lackey of the system.

P.S. I also want to thank all the people who actually take the time to read my blog. it's greatly appreciated and it keeps me motivated to make new entries. So thanks!

*hands out hugs and cookies. And iced tea* (I actually wanted to hand out hot cocoa, but the weather is not fit for that :P)

^_^

Trainrides and whores

2009-03-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

Some people are hilarious.

Last night I was on the train with a girl I met at folk dancing. And we were all dressed up and talking about last night and stuff. And suddenly, really out of nowhere, on the other side of the train there were these 3 girls.

Now, I don't have anything against fat people, or people who show a little skin. But I do have something against fat people who show (a lot of) skin.
Seriously.

Two of these three girls were very much over weigh and dressed in shirts that barely reached to the lower part of their bellies and they were wearing miniskirts.

So far so good.

As we had noticed them, they had noticed us too. They were looking at us like we were crazy (excuse me? I might not be the thinnest but at least I'm wearing clothes) and whenever we were talking about something they started talking about it as well.
And they were loud and very obnoxious with their burping and other gross sounds I don't want to identify.

What turned out to be hilarious though, was that they seemed to get annoyed with me being me. After my friend got of the train they started staring at me. So I looked at them and I was like, "Hello you people!"
And they were like, hm. Not what we were going for.
I smiled at them and they looked pissed off. Then they suddenly decided that I might not be as intimidated as they thought I was, which amused me to no end.

It made me think though. How could they possibly think that behaving like an asshole and looking like a whore is good?
I mean, where do they get this preposterous hypothesis? Did Steve tell them that? (Brownies for the people who get the reference)

Anyway, them being like that gave me something to write about for my blog. Maybe that's why they did it.

Let us be unhealthy

2009-03-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

This morning I was sitting on a bench near school drinking a cup of delicious black liquid named coffee. Suddenly this girl, a 12 year old 1s t grader (for you Americans: that's middle school), walks up to me and says: "Coffee is bad for you." And then she walks off.

I was seriously stunned. What had just happened? Did she defy my cup of black fuel? Is she crazy?
The rest of the day passed with out incidents. Until later that day. My mother was watching a program about obesity and pregnancy. There was this perfectly slim woman, being told that she shouldn't gain weight when she was pregnant blah blah blah.
Excuse me when I say this, but I am not an expert, but don't babies make you gain weight? It's law of nature!

These two things started a train of thoughts that's now rolling on the screen. Why did we become so health crazy? And what's with the need to keep everyone alive?

I'm not saying that everyone should just stop eating healthy and become mighty fat. Because, believe me, it bites and I wasn't even that overweight. What I am saying is that I think we should just relax a bit and let life come as it may.
A lot of obese people are told to exercise and eat less. This ofcourse is true, if not for the fact that it's hard for them, because their knees can't support their weight. What I think they should do, is just sit back and loose weight.

"But that's not possible!" I hear the dietists screaming as I am writing this. But I am here to tell you: it is possible!
All you need is a healthy regular diet, low fat snacks and no sodas. If you eat less calories than you actually need, you lose weight. It's that simple. I did it. I know other people who did it. It's not going as fast as dieting+excersize, but it's doable.
And if you're trying to loose weight and you have a partner, you can replace the excersizing with a lot of sex. That also burns calories. A lot of calories. And if it's good for the muscles in your lower back.

Anyways, what I am trying is that if all you do is watching your weight and you only live to be healthy, you may as well die at birth. If you take away the coffee and the chocolate and the sugar and the cigarettes and the alcohol and the saturated fats, you leave us with nothing. What is there to live for if we can't sin?
Because sinning is what we live for. We got kicked out of paradise for it, so let us!
Let us enjoy it, without the voices of those doctors booming in the back of our heads that we're going to die fat and with a lot of pain.

If we want to be unhealthy, we should be able to be like that, without society nagging at our brains.

I'm a smoker, eater, coffee addict, semi-alcoholic couch potato.
When I die painfully, I at least know that I've enjoyed my life.

Drunken musings (ft. Darth Brini)

2008-07-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

In this weeks blog I have a special surprise for you! I’ve invited a guest-thinker to join me in my daily muses. Fuelled by loads of fun and Smirnoff we came up with following things:

Boys are mutated girls. We’ve decided this, because females are the first sex. Every embryo is female at the start of the conception. So girls are normal and boys are mutated girls. Wooh!

The world looks cooler upside down. We were both hanging upside down on my furniture in the living room (we’re not crazy) and everything looked so cool!
It also raised a question though…Why can’t you hear clearly when you’re upside down? Is that because gravity has no effect on sound? Or do we both have a weird deficiency that we can’t hear clearly when our heads are close to the ground?
We should send this to NRC-Next, maybe they can answer it for us :P

Our brains are done thinking now… bye!

Heterosexual men: Natural Born Homophobes?

2008-07-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

First off, I apologize for posting late. On the other hand, now you have 2 updates in one week. Isn’t that grant?

Last week I saw something that struck me as odd and slightly amusing. An artist at DeviantArt has a thing for drawing male movie-/TV-characters wearing skimpy outfits. I have to tell you, I think it’s a fabulous idea, which she executes very well.
A friend or acquaintance of her posted a drawing of one of those men in skimpy outfits on a website. I found that the reactions to this drawing were hilarious. The hetero-sexual men/ boys who reacted called it ‘gay’ or, to be more accurate, ‘gayer than 8 dudes sucking off 9 dudes’.
It made me wonder. Why is a picture of a naked man (drawn by a girl no less) ‘gay’ and is a picture of a naked woman ‘hot’?

I think it’s safe to say that all human beings are bisexual in nature. You can go on denying it, but everyone knows it’s true. You only have to look at apes and our ancestors of course. The Athenians were known for their little boy love (just watch 300) and Spartans encouraged homosexuality to improve the soldier’s skills in battle (no matter what is said in 300. Their real cry was ‘Slash! Is! SEXY!’) Homosexuality is a way to sustain the population of a species at a healthy size.

It became taboo when the monotheistic religions (I’m going to take Christianity as an example, since that’s big in the region I love in) came to power. According to their rules homosexuality was unnatural and considered a disease.

Nowadays most people are declared unreligious or atheist. But if guys still act so strange to the image of a naked man, called it ‘gay’, you start to wonder how deep Christianity runs in our culture. Sure, we still have Christian values, but this is supposed to be age of freedom. Our parents are sexually emancipated and you’d think that we’d be the same. Then why are the men of this day and age so homophobic? It’s not just the reactions to the drawings.

I was in a gay bar last week and I told my brother about it, who looked like he was going to hide in closet until all the images. He doesn’t mind me being a bisexual per se, but I think the idea that I was hanging around with guys who would have sex with everyone (his words, not mine) scared him shitless.

So to come back to the subject, I think that the modern men, who clamp themselves to their heterosexuality, are not necessarily in denial or homophobes on purpose. The idea that it’s unnatural runs so deep that they won’t give in to it. This is back upped by the fact that gay people, especially gay men, I think, are scared to come out of the closet, because they’re afraid the world will see them as freaks.

It’s going to be very hard to break the taboo around homosexuality, but I just want to ask all the heterosexuals with the slightest fear of gays to be a little more open minded and try not to think of men who are different from you (whether dressed or not) as freakish or weird. Embrace them as brothers and fill the world with love ^_^

Love: maintaining the species and a struggle for power

2008-07-02T16:20:00.001-07:00

Love… strange little thing that is. And why am I writing about the most over-hyped subject of the century? Because it has been surrounding me all week. Of course, it always surrounds us. Love is the glue that holds the world together, or so the media would like us to believe.
But I’ve been noticing it more. It makes me wonder a couple of things.

For instance, does it really make blind? (The answer is yes, but then again so does alcohol) or why are in so many cultures males allowed to have multiple wives, but females aren’t. It really made me wonder.
Polygamy is very popular in this world. Only 10% of the world’s population (this includes the west) is monogamist. But polyandry, the having of multiple husbands, is very rare. Why is that?

I suspect that it has both social and biological aspects. According to Wikipedia a woman can only bear so many children, so having multiple husbands has no perks for the production of children. But a child with multiple fathers is more likely to survive, because it has more protectors and more access to resources. Whereas a man with multiple wives can have more children and therefore spread his genes all over the world, so to speak.
If you look at it from social aspects, it would probably give the woman too much power, if she
was allowed to have multiple husbands. If the woman decided to do family planning, the guy can’t spread his genes. According to the guy, apocalypse would ensue.

Another question that danced through my mind was, is there still love in the world? And not like the love you feel for friends or your family, but the blinding passionately love you read about in myths and legends. Does it still exist? Or is it systematically being destroyed by science? I mean, science is great. It’s like a new religion, but it kills all the mysteries. Nostradamus, spirits, palm reading and yes, also love. I saw a documentary once about how love is a way to survive. You fall in love, make a baby, stay with each other for another five or six years to raise it and then it’s all to the mother. And that is how we keep on producing and sustaining our kind.

So that was it for my ramblings this week. I know they make no sense, or maybe a little, but at least it’s something :)

What One Little Sentence Can Do For You

2008-06-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’m breaking a part of my promise. I was bored, as happens so often and I had a musing, so I thought, I can have two frees (this one and my posting for Thursday 14^th of August. That’s the day I’m leaving for Lowlands and I need a good rest. So you’ll get your update a day early (audience I’ll have gathered by then: WOOTS)

Anyways, my musing was this: Today I was sitting on the balcony, as I often do, reading a book. My dad came home from work, but he before he could come out the balcony as well, his phone rang: it’s his girlfriend. And then suddenly out of nowhere he said: ‘Ik wil ook’ (Direct translation: I want too). My mood dropped 3 feet below the earth’s crust. At that very moment it hit me. I am so much like my dad!

This is very western of me -I live in western civilization, so nyah-, but I’ve always seen myself as a unique person. If you look at eastern civilization, this is not true. And I’ve always accepted their point of view, but never really believed it myself. Until that very moment.
Because I never use that combination of words in front my father and certainly not in that whiney voice. But still, there he was, saying it exactly like I usually do. The likeness is uncanny.

It made me wonder. Are our parents so built into our genetic structure that we have the same habits, by birth? Or have just been living with my dad too long, so that we start to be a like?

I think that it is mostly the latter. My parents got divorced when I was 16. Due to circumstances, I choose to live with my father.

I still see my mother often, although I do not live with her. When they were still living together I was divided in my habits. I had some of my mom’s and some of my dad’s. But now I’ve been living with my dad for nearly 2 years and I feel like I’m more towards him in my habits.

But at any rate, I do not want to be like any of them. I love my parents to bits, but my mother is too nosy and my dad is too narrow minded for my taste. It made me realize that I need to get my own place as soon as possible. What one little sentence can do for you.